I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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