I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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