Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
