remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
