Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
