you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize