I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
