the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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