He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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