Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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