I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
