party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
