my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
