I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A bitchslap is in order.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
