I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
