If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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