Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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