so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
