Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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