I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
