i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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