It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
