So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
