One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
