Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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