I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
