So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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