I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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