We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
