Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
