I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
