I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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