the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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