I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
