He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
