just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just invented taco cereal.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
