apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
