Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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