The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
