I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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