Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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