hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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