Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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