I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
