Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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