"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize