at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
either way he was missing a nipple.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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