Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
