Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize