my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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