New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
