tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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