Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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