I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
