i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
