If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
