no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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