I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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