I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
